Tuesday, August 30, 2005

wow - infomercial stars are pitching for auto companies and televangelists are pitching on informercials for B vitamins -

R. Kelly does a 10 minute mime rock opera on MTV and it's called entertainment -

we have an executive branch of govt. that is content with complete lies, fabrications, and falsehoods and over 50% of the people in the country don't care -

Unreal - it's like the whole world has gone bizarro on me. -

RB

Monday, August 29, 2005

wow....

something unusual is happening - something odd and abnormal -

I feel good -

we had a good practice and worked on my new song - Vacation - it came together really well - like as good as I thought it would, which isn't normal for me or for us after one practice -

you guys would like it - but you know - copyright stealers everywhere - I print it, someone will steal it - but I promise when we get the album started I'll post links to it - LOL - or something - album recording is about three weeks away, I'd say...

another big pump up to Battlestar Galactica - which may be the best sci-fi series around right now - just incredible writing and stories - and man, is Starbuck HOT in that strange way that a tomboy can be - jesus she's something else...

and that is all for now - sorry - haven't been playing poker - I need a break or a change or just some time - I saw Dewey Tomko use a strategy I've been crafting in my head for a long time - (how to get the two overcards to lay down to 22 - all in preflop don't work - ) - so I'll mess with that later -

it's unreal how good I feel - wow.....wonder how long it will last -

RB

I saw "A Love Song for Bobby Long" and thought that while Scarlett Johanssen was good, she was outshined by a better actress.

The best actress of that film was New Orleans - I've always wanted to see it, and had considered a poker vacation like the ones I took to NYC and Vegas this year....

and now I may not get the chance to see her as she was -

this one is gonna be ugly - God Bless and Keep New Orleans...

RB

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Ha - we are branching out and taking over all media -

the Whiskeytown hurricane (I'm a hurricane ashore on Las Vegas Blvd.) - is branching out into all media - all times - all places - BWHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHHAH - all whiskeytown all the time....

oh, erm...yah - back to reality - what a fucking bore - (wow, deja vu)

anyways...while at work last week, I got bored and filled out one of those surveys on MSNBC.Com on guilty pleasures - mine got listed in the three page article followup-

you can find me on the last page - - look for gumballs - that's me :) - Russell B. Minneapolis, MN...

ah, now I have a bittersweet memory coming back from someone bought me gumballs....ah well -

RB

very odd, odd couple of hours...

I seemed to have unlocked a daydream gene - can barely stay here in the real world -

I also seem to have unlocked a stupid gene - one that makes me think Tommy Lee's new show is very cool -

and then there's that mental picture thing - reading a story about the Iraqi Literary Scene and how it's intellectual center has gone downhill since the invasion, and instead of reading it, I think I'm living it...

I think my brain may have rewired something - taken a shortcut somewhere - but I like it -

RB

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

interesting - the Imperial Palace in Las Vegas is being sold.

as a hotel goes, it was a shithole, but it was MY shithole - LOL - the first hotel i came to and walked thru on my first trip to Vegas - my how the familiar memories come back -

which is odd, because I feel totally detached from everything today - we could lose two more towers in NYC and I doubt it'd actually register - I seem to have gone numb today....but I feel bad about the IP cause you know now they'll kick up prices to be competitive with the Flamingo/Harrahs' that it's couched between.

RB

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

I'd like to take a moment to discuss a topic which many guys have wondered about and of course, since the answers to all questions can be found here....(in the middle of a $10 tourney's first hr) - I figure I'd put it out there...

regarding the words "I Love You"

as I have learned from personal experience and from my good friend, Brooks (who goes on a 3 min. rant in his concerts) -

the WORST thing you (meaning the guy) can do is be the first to say the L word first....

cause that automatically implys that you love them more then they love you, and that will make them uncomfortable, and they will end it with you....

that is the Woman's turf - she gets to be the first to throw it out there - never take that from her....(they assume they love you more then them vice versa off the bat, so it doesn't bring up any bad connotations)

so never EVER EVER be the first to say I Love you -

worst idea ever - like slowplaying with A's - you're just asking to be busted...

RB

Saturday, August 20, 2005

a few quickies -

------------------------

had a great one this morning - play a 45 player turbo sng - first hand I get JJ and UTG overbets preflop - something like 6 times BB - I call and vow to fold if an overcard comes -

flop comes T83 and he bets 240 and I repop putting him on AK - but he's got KK and was just overbetting - so I busted 1st hand in 45th place - gotta love it -

------------------------

I got my first SPAM comment this morning - someone said they liked the blog and stuck a link to Cialis in there - some days I just wanna disable those damn things - maybe I will...

------------------------

I stepped outside tonight to go to work and almost died - 73 and beautiful - oh God, please let it stay like that for the next 3 days I'm off -

RB

I have a birthday coming up, and I don't feel like being here for it....

I think it's time for another trip to Vegas - a different hotel every day - LOL -

RB

Friday, August 19, 2005

I am definately sick in the head...

all I can do is think about working till Sunday and then firing up that 7 or 8 tourney run again in the buck games like I was thinking of doing again - LOL

but maybe I'll just skip it - still - innerestin -

RB

ok...uber-rant time - ah....peaceful nights...

Ok, so I have written a bunch of stuff this week - all deleted - usually within 10 min. of posting it -

and then I take it down and put it in a txt file for later distribution - then I delete that too - I don't know why - it's not like it was bad stuff (wasn't poker, but then nothing is lately...) - but if I've had a few, or a lot, I just don't like reading what I posted the next day, so I let the ol' self-censorship take over...

-----------------------------

you want poker content? - Ok, you get poker content - I took 3rd in a 45 player SNG earlier this week - (I actually like the turbo ones on Pokerstars - won one of the other two I played this week, and that's about 120 bucks on 24 investment) -

I then got to go back a day or two later and relive the joy again as I pulled up the hand histories and tried to see WTF I did, since I was completely wiped and while I remember the game/hands - some of the logic (like pushing all in with AQ on a KJx board) escapes me - I remember seeing something and being SURE I could beat him - wonder if I'd feel the same way if that move failed...If there had been a camera on me that night, it'd have made for some good footage...

----------------------------

sometimes I wonder why I live (or try to live) so fast - I think part of it stems from the fact that I've never seen myself getting old - I don't see me at 80, rugrat grandchildren crawling all over - for some reason, ever since I was a boy, I've suspected that my death would be remarkably early in life....(remarkable only in the sense that most of the men in my family have a genetic leg up and live till 90)

this isn't some depressing suicide rant -...LOL - (christ, please don't email me) - just a feeling that I wasn't meant to be in this world that long, and that for whatever reason, I see it ending violently - like getting sucked thru a plane engine or something (don't laugh - I know a friend who had that happen to a guy) - of course, that hasn't stopped me from dumping into the 401K pretty heavy just to be safe.

------------------------------

I've had a lot of old memories come back this week, and a lot of familiar things seem less so recently - I'm actually quite surprised - I've always had a good memory, but it needs a trigger to remind me of stuff - I had a lot of triggers this week - even Hugh Hefner's playboy mansion reminded me of stuff I hadn't seen for years...

I also realized when I have my own place, I need a room painted deep, dark violet...with a 17th century coastal white wood for the corners -

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I sorta wish there was another Poker Blogger Tourney coming up - I need a good excuse to go back to Vegas....the old excuse of going just to go ain't cutting it, but then, the Bankroll is still shot - still playing on the measly $100 in Pokerstars - (I had to loan money this week, so I'm dead broke till the end of the month....hello credit card...LOL)

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I once wrote that I don't believe in reincarnation - but if I did, I still wouldn't believe in it - I am not the sum of a dozen other individuals who were born ages past - I didn't come from Patton or a Japanese Geisha - I pulled this life out of cacti and flute music, out of soil and distortion and waves of goddamn noise and sound, not from someone else or their experiences - I pulled this life out of the air

and this is my whatever (soul, spirit, chakra - I dunno) - not part of anyone else's from days past - - at least that's what I would say if I believed in reincarnation, which I don't....

------------------------------

been reading Asia K's last post again tonight - it makes me sad cause when I was a new college student, I was at BIBLE school, and all those lovely 20 yr. old experiences every young person should experience, I missed and sang "In my life, Lord, be glorified" about 10,000 fucking times... - I wonder if he just tunes those songs out till the end - I had a friend who wrote a great song once called "God Plays Piano" - and the jest is God just hangs out tinkering on the piano down the hall till everyone who's spirituality depends on reciting memorized words and bland worship tunes goes away - then he comes back out and hangs around the church...

I will never get that experience of being a teenager in love (though I probably burned as badly as one the first time I fell in love) - and that's kind of a bummer - I'll never fall asleep with two other roommates, trying to keep as quiet as possible for them...LOL -

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for some reason, I dreamed I found a baby last night - I didn't take good care of him - I don't think he ever crapped his pants though, so at least he didn't stink in it - I just wasn't a good whatever, finder of babies, I guess....

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and today's addiction is movie trivia - when I get bored, I go to www.imdb.com and I read the trivia of movies I like - pretty cool - did you know Angelina Jolie went from a C cup to a D cup for the first Tomb Raider movie? - but by the 2nd one, they cut her back down to size - LOL.

------------------------------

I could make some stuff up, but it's a 4 day work week....there will be other things coming back later - memories - games - risks - rolls of the dice - no point in blowing it all right now...

RB

Thursday, August 18, 2005

this is the best news I've heard all day...

Women DO want fat hairy men

woo hoo .. ?

RB

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

that was my lsat violin lesson for a while - my teacher is going to take a full time job with the Postal service - so until further notice, lessons are postponed - until he learns if he can do it part time with the postal job.

but truth is, it's just one more goddamn thing I want to do but don't cause it's too hard to focus - I can't seem to find any middle ground - I'm always going full throttle on something or I never shift into 2nd -

goddamn ADHD/Obsessive-compulsive/bipolar or whatever shit... -

RB

Monday, August 15, 2005

I went with a different plan last night -

I got bored and realized Pokerstars had implemented a ton of $1-$3 tourneys from 8-11pm (like 7 or so) - so I signed up for all 7, played 6 at a time sometimes and just tried to get some FPP -

didn't make the money in a single event - I'm a loser - LOL

RB

Sunday, August 14, 2005

I never mentioned one of my little known hobbies -

I have been known to turn on an AM radio at 4am and scan the dial - used to do it with shortwave, but AM is cooler to me....it's in the country...and for some reason, I like doing that best in the truck...

radio waves bounce further at night (it has something to do with the way radio bounces off a cooler atmosphere) - most sites shut down or go to low power - but some go directional, and some just go away. the signals conflict/override each other and so the FCC makes them realign their signals....

some of the old time stations (WCCO in Minneapolis) get to go at full power - and it's then you can scan thru the dial and find radio from everywhere, including AM 650 WSM - Nashville -

the idea that I'm sitting in my car listening to someone broadcast a signal thru the air from Nashville (playing old time 70 and 80's country) - is just the coolest thing in the world to me...

Sun. night - I expect I'll be doing the $20 PL and NL again tonight on Pokerstars - but lots of TV between now and then...

RB

Friday, August 12, 2005

man....I'm starting to miss alcohol - LOL - here we go again....

thought I might blow my paycheck on a plasma TV, but right now, that ain't happening - maybe it'll happen anyways - maybe I'll just cough up the dough for it - I dunno - I feel like watching big screen TV - LCD or plasma - I don't care -

I don't come to work tomorrow (or tonight as it were) - I'm going to the Viking Bar to see my friend Jerry - so why am I so terrified of it....

because it's a bar...

RB

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

I'm about 3 hrs from work -

it has come to my attention I have absolutely no movitation to do anything - neither at work nor at home, where I am surrounded by empty Lean Cuisine trays and coke cans -

maybe next week - it's not like I've been out of it this week - I'm just sitting around doing nothing -

I would say I'm acting exactly like a cat.

RB

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

so I'm sitting in my recliner, with some native American flute music on the computer

playing a Pokerstars $20 PL tourney on the laptop, while having the TV on in front of me with no sound - closed captioning everything - flicking thru 40 channels a minute -

I think i MIGHT have Attention Deficit Disorder - LOL

but I turned off the AC's and fans - had them on for weeks and I was getting tired of that damned background static

RB

random thought of the morning -

just sat the preview for Lord of War - (a Nic Cage film where he's an 80's weapons dealer) -

it would appear that making a lot of money selling weapons is what enables him to bag Bridget Moynahan -

so while most guys if you got down to it probably wouldn't KILL someone to be with Bridget (or Jessica Alba, or Tom Cruise/Orlando Bloom for you ladies) - would you sell weapons to 3rd world Dictators if it gave you the ch-ching to do so?

where the FUCK does my mind come up with this stuff...LOL -

finished 15th in my tourney last night - my crucial hand was A10 vs Q8 - he turned an 8 and I went from playing to surviving - got thru another 10 opponents or so but I never recovered - and when I took 88 vs AQ, well, we know where that goes.

I'm implementing another new rule - no more rebuys till the BR replenishes - are the payouts great...yes - are the swings? - definately bigger - and can I justify it right now on a $70 BR - LOL - no

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Major thunderstorms right now (that's what woke me up) - finally something to break the heat.

RB

on these nights when I choose not to drink, 2am takes forever to get here (bar close) - I'm trying to outlast it - so I can relax - a long rambling post will help.

I pissed someone off in SMART recovery chat tonight - I was gonna kill time playing poker, and she cautioned me that gambling is addictive too (so are chicken wings and weed and caffine, I pointed out) - but at this time I can only prioritize on what's taking my life from me, not the entertaining diversions (of which threeway sex with two supermodels is not one of, DOH) - that could be an issue someday... in the end, he or she told me "I don't care if you care - I have to go" - crazy...ah well. I've pissed other people off much worse...

signed up for a last min. $11 tourney - I'll probably bust in an hr. or be up til 8am making 2K - either way works for me - died in the rebuy tonight - (built a nice stack up to 5K and got AA and died vs 10/8 - I hate rebuy levels)

Interesting thing about NL poker tourneys - I used to guestitmate the amount of people left the first hr by dividing the field in half, and then adding about 10 - so for 400 people, I'd guess 210 by break - nowadays we're about 20 or 30 PAST the halfway mark - - this 11 buck one I'm in is like that now...

a good article from Amy Calistri on her blog - - attendance is down for the WPT Paris event and the Orleans event from last year - Felicia and I discussed it and it appears the only events that aren't declining are mixed events or other events like Stud/Omaha - apparently the NL boom is starting to go down -

hmmmm...old Radiohead on VH1 - you know, I loved them from The Bends on, so it was pre "OK Computer" bandwagon, but those curves they took on Kid A and Amenisic were so out there I haven't bought Hail to the Thief yet - interesting...

I have Rosie Thomas on tonight - her songs used to throw me in a terrible fit of sadness - such heartbreak and loneliness in the vocals and piano parts - I started getting into her after my big breakup and the songs followed me for years - I think I left the three songs on repeat on a CD in the living room the night I was about to eat a 9mm shell for last call -

tonight, they don't really make me cry - but they bring up memories - naughty ones, actually, for some reason...LOL - turn back now if you don't want to know the worst stuff -

I'll tell you a little interesting story - for all you women who think men are wham/bam/too fast assholes - here's your problem - you need to date a guy who spent time in the Christian church as a teenager (preferably fallen since then, since he won't be the most eager sexual participant if he's saving himself for marriage) - if the everyday guy spent one-tenth the time a Christian guy does finding the erogenous zones, he'd be getting it every day for the rest of his life....

and why do we put that effort in? - cause it's ALL we're ALLOWED to do - and for us corruptable ones with Christian girlfriends, we're trying to corrupt them, and man, I got close - LOL - I knew where her buttons were - no doubt. It's a throwback to the 50's (why do you think the marriage ratio is so high for Christian colleges?) -

There was a wonder and a mystery to that time - my first french kiss - discovering what good nipples are for - LOL - first run around first and second base - the first time she grabs your hands and quickly moves them up to her breasts - totally fucking shocking me (remember, this is a good Christian girl who's saving herself for marriage, and to my understanding, never got off even on her own - yah...but I was of a similar mindset at the time, so it didn't bug me too much)

actually, with the women I had been around, I was somewhat shocked that women COULD be turned on - I thought it was all just cuddling and they gave sex to get love and we gave love to get sex - not always - that was fun to find out - LOL

but I don't miss the physical part of it so much (though we did make out quite a bit), and I don't miss that girl specifically (well, not every day like I used to do - I'm sure occasionally a day goes by where I don't think of her) - I just miss what it was - someone else watching my back - someone else to explore the mysteries of life and faith and sexuality with - my first love and quite frankly, the last one at this point (none of the girls since then I was in love with, although whether by choice or by design is open to debate, I suspect I'm a lot more careful of that fucking heart after the first time it broke) -

and I miss that life - playing in bands - scheduling a gig every other week or a practice with friends - making that face in the avatar every time a camera was turned on me (there's a great one of me going at the camera with a zit on my nose - you'd think it was an acid boil the way my face twisted - LOL) - it was a fun band and I've been going thru the wayback archives trying to find some of those other photos - LOL

here's one of me in my bleach days - LOL - trying to be Art Alexakis of Everclear - LOL -



playing on their stuff just for fun and to be with people - my life took a drastic turn down shit creek 4 years ago and I never found my way back - and I wish she (or someone like her) was there to show me the path back - cause even when I was making 150K a yr. I wasn't content or happy - once I was with her, I coulda moved to bumfuck, WI and gotten a job ringing up groceries and I'd have been ok with it if she would have been -

instead, the ol' fire that never goes out just keeps burning me - if I keep trying to drown it with booze, I'll put it out, but it'll take a hell of a lot of other things with it...things I guess I'd miss

but then I can look at the other road - what if I got married - I'd have a kid by now, and all I'd worry about is feeding and caring for them - much less poker - much less rock and roll, no blog -

No Vegas - no New York City or Atlantic City - no Felicia, no NJChick, no Luv2DriveTT - or my friend Adam back in town after a few yrs...

and maybe she'd leave someday like that wife did in Heartlands, and I'd leave my little box and go chase after her, but by the time I found her, I'd see what the world was and I'd just be interested in seeing "what's around the next corner"

I'm trying real hard to see the positive side - the only thing I've came up with is in "The Art of Happiness" where the Dalai Lama said that one of the great things about suffering was that it creates compassion - (the bible says something similar, but more alone the lines of perseverance, which gives hope, etc) - I never found hope, but I remember one day sitting next to Lake Calhoun (I did that a lot the first summer) and I'd flick rocks into the water, and an ant came walking on my leg, and I flicked him in, and was all "fuck you ant" - for about 10 sec....then I realized I didn't feel I had any right to end his life for existing - so I scooped him up out of the lake and after he dried off, he was OUTTA there - LOL -

memories - so many of them - so many little side tangents - I wonder if when I'm 80 and almost out of this world if I'll smile at them or cry...

good night Krista... - hope wherever you ended up, with whoever, that you're happy....I did what you asked - I stayed away and I got a little better -

and son of a bitch if I didn't make it past bar close for two nights in a row....

RB

Monday, August 08, 2005

there's a thousand reasons I shouldn't be posting anymore tonight - exhaustion (though not so much I can sleep) - overkill (4 or 5 posts in 24 hrs...jesus) - I wish I was this prolific in writing songs -

had a very cool, very positive comment today - someone else was looking for Kate Rusby lyrics to "Let the Cold Wind Blow" and I think I typed them out from the lyric sheet - and she was looking for them so she sent me a nice comment thanking me for putting them on the blog, cause I don't know if they're available anywhere on the internet.

three tourneys, three losses - 2 of the 3 were lost with the better hand preflop - so I can't bitch - I'm making the right choices - but the cards weren't there today...had an excellent shot at the limit rebuy but it didn't come in - had I gambled/raised with 33 when I was down to 6 times the BB I'd have flopped trips, but what can ya do...

ah well - I should probably just throw on a movie and fall asleep in the recliner again - I'm 24 hrs sober - so I can sleep when it comes, but it's not coming right now - truth is, for all I bitch on the graveyard shift (actually, I rarely do) - it is the perfect schedule for me - sleeping all day, staying up all night - good for me...

I've been seeing this KY jelly commercial on VH1 - incredibly hot woman reading the label, and then her husband puts the book down - boy...if I was married to that girl, I doubt I'd even leave the bed ever again - LOL -

That video for the Killers "All these things I've done" is nailing me - for starters, the riff is very similar to a Big Country riff so I like that - but the song just takes 3 or 4 different turns and comes out awesome - the video with 4 girls busting out of their tops doesn't hurt either (filmed in Vegas - my attraction for that city grows and grows) - so they probably used Vegas dancing girls - LOL -

if you can hold on, hold on - - I like that intro - very cool -

I should go outside - nice and cool - sit on my porch - it's enclosed so I can do it in my underwear if I want - LOL -

I wonder if Tara was right - I wonder if I drink to slow down so I can relate to everyone else - I'm not sure about that - I do feel disconnected when I'm not drinking around poeple, but I've always felt that way - and always felt it before hand - it's funny, I've had days/nights where I drank and when I was coming down, I was crying,

but memories get erased and I forget how often I used to do that living alone in Brooklyn Park or before my first love - I forget how it's always wrapped around me - and I have to be ready for it, cause if I never take another drink, that baggage, that shit is still there...

I MUST be bi-polar - the word I'm getting from guys like TT and those who have read the blog is that I'm a completely different person online then I am live - very odd - but then it's these 4 am rantings that drag the blog into depression ville - LOL - maybe I should just not post anymore at nights - LOL- -

it's not night - it's almost 5am -

RB

Ft. Worth Blues - by Steve Earle

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In Ft. Worth all the neon's burnin' bright
Pretty lights red and blue
But they'd shut down all the honky tonks tonight
And say a prayer or two
If they only knew

You used to say the highway was your home
But we both know that ain't true
It's just the only place a man can go
When he don't know where he's travelin' to

But Colorado's always clean and healin'
And Tennessee in Spring is green and cool
It never really was your kind of town
But you went around with the Ft. Worth Blues

Somewhere up beyond the great divide
Where the sky is wide and the clouds are few
A man can see his way clear to the light
Just hold on tight
That's all you gotta do

And they say Texas weather's always changin'
And one thing change'll bring is somethin' new
And Houston really ain't that bad a town
So you hang around with the Ft. Worth Blues

There's a full moon over Galway Bay tonight
Silver light over green and blue
And every place I travel through, I find
Some kinda sign that you've been through

But Amsterdam was always good for grieving
And London never fails to leave me blue
Paris never was my kinda town
So I walked around with the Ft. Worth Blues

Sunday, August 07, 2005

things have quieted down a bit - it was a rough day emotionally - talked to my dad, and I did some reading into outpatient progrmas, but I may have to tough it out on my own...

I'm pretty much committed to playing poker till 2am - just trying to outlast Bar close - then maybe I'll go to Perkins for a French Dip or something - I like those -

I actually signed up for a Limit Rebuy Holdem tourney cause it was my only option - never played one before - ah the things we do to break old habits -

RB

ah lordie, guys. - I'm losing the war again -

on my days off, I've been waking up, chilling for a few hrs, and walking to the bar - not even driving - not since my fender bender - and the idea is if I'm doing that, I"m not drinking at home, which is when I really go on a bender - unlimited access to alcohol is very bad for me -

so I put down 6 or 7 shots - and bum a ride somewhere else (I'm on pretty good terms with the waiters of that bar and go out drinking with them sometimes) and then I get home and partake in other bad substances (although not as bad as alcohol, I don't think) - but things I don't wanna discuss here - not in print - LOL

I'm sitting there at the bar - reading a book, trying to bury some feelings that I can't bear to feel anymore - in SMART Recovery, (a group that tries to end addiction by psychological tools) we try to use this tool called DISARM where you're using your head to shout down that addictive voice - but the only voice I hear is that one in my head finishing a shot and saying "It's not enough - I still feel too much - it's not enough"

it's what I'm always hearing - more - more - more- more of everything - more food, more booze, more drugs - deeper and deeper binges - this is all I can think of - and every damn night - if I'm not going out, I'm watching the clock - praying I can make it to 2am when the bars are closed -

I'm just not winning..I'm losing the battle - and it's killing me - I'm losing the war....

I'm losing everything - but somehow my life doesn't stop - I keep on going - despite a nasty bruise on my left shoulder (from falling over) - despite a dent in the truck - despite everything - I want to stop so bad and I don't know why I can't - I have enough resolve to not do it during workdays, so why can't I do it the rest of the time -

lord, how long will this motherfucker latch onto me - somedays, I look my self, and I'm a unique individual, with a lot of good qualities - but some of those qualities are creating my problems now, and I wish sometimes I was just like everyone else - stupid, without an addictive personality, easily entertained and amused - and never bored - not dying of loneliness every day -

I remember an exercise I did once - it was rough - I wrote out a goodbye letter to alcohol - I cried my eyes out - it's like breaking up with someone you love - and I know it's bad for me - and I know it'll get worse if I can't keep it in check, and yet I still want it -

Gawd, I'm in trouble, crew.... - anyone who prays can feel free to pray on my behalf - I need the help -

RB

surprisingly, it starts with a purple haze...(go Jimi) - well, not really -

it's a blue static - like a TV tuned to a station where there's no broadcast, but it's a deep blue...

you open your eyes - the view is still blue - the angles/shapes are unfamiliar - lines of darkness stretching over your head....

light seeps thru - static becomes less so, and the blue haze becomes white - the color of the ceiling - and then it hits me..

I have passed out - standing up, I fell backwards from the bathroom into the closet door, knocked it off the track, and it's leaning over me, the top stopped by the hallway wall opposite the door. There is another memory of falling forward and literally breaking the toilet, shattering it like glass, but this is a false one-

first thought - that musta made a lot of noise - I check to see the door's locked (it is) and I get my way to bed - too blurry eyed to read the clock.

I wonder what the names of my guardian angels are...I wonder who's kept me safe all these last few weeks/months/years - and I wonder if they're as tired as I am....

RB

Saturday, August 06, 2005

so, as we stated, today's addiction is Townes van Zandt -

Townes' web page is www.townesvanzandt.com - his lyrics and songs are all over 70's and 80's country radio -

his most famous hit, Poncho and Lefty, was covered by a lot of folks, and makes an appearance on the Emmylou Harris greatest hits album that was just released...

He's got a documentary coming out this winter - a book this fall on his life - one of the greatest unknown poets of our lifetime - makes anything I or any two bit internet hacks would write look like a baby's scribble....

but as I'm singing his praises, for some reason...I feel like printing out how he died - this is from his widow, Jeanene, on a now defunct TVZ webpage - these are the words from his widow

and here is a link to that defunct webpage on web.archive.org - a very very cool resource for lost web pages.

and here is Steve Earle talking about Townes for a songwriters class

so do yourself a favor - find the man and his music - the early stuff (before alcohol destroyed him) - find it and breathe and cry and smile.

RB

three days of hard work done - had a chance to go to a friend's cabin, but I wanted a few more hrs notice - (not out of work and up to the cabin, in other words...LOL)

decent luck in SNG's I play in the two hrs between waking up and work - I'm getting one more in, and then tourneys tonight (now that the BR is back up to a decent level)

Today's addiction - Townes Van Zandt...

I'm gonna put some more Townes down here - spring only sighed, summer had to be satisified, and fall is a feeling I just can't lose....man...

greatest songwriter in the world....

--------------------------------------------------------------

Flyin' Shoes, by Townes Van Zandt

Days full of rain
skys comin' down again
I get so tired
of these same old blues
same old song
Baby, it won't be long
till I be tyin' on
my flyin' shoes
flyin' shoes
till I be tyin' on
my flyin' shoes

Spring only sighed
summer had to be satisfied
fall is a feelin' that I just can't lose.
I'd like to stay
maybe watch a winter day
turn the green water
to white and blue
flyin' shoes
flyin' shoes
till I be tyin' on
my flyin' shoes

The mountain moon
forever sets too soon
bein' alone is all the hills can do
alone and then
her silver sails again
and they will follow
in their flyin' shoes
flyin' shoes
they will follow in their
flyin' shoes

Days full of rain
skys comin' down again
Man I get so tired
of these same old blues
same old song
Baby, it won't be long
till I be tyin' on
my flyin' shoes
flyin' shoes
till I be tyin' on
my flyin' shoes

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

It's that time of the month (year) again -

where I start browsing Vegas flight/hotel deals - Rooms Sun/Mon right now are ULTRA cheap - pushing $40-50 for the low grade places (Imperial Palace/Luxor/New Frontier) - and even Sat. rooms aren't that expensive - only getting around $110 for some of these places with availability -

but probably not - after the hit I took at AC, and with no Credit card till I get the new one, expenses could be out of pocket and I just don't feel like dealing with it right now -

so next week - LOL - jesus...that's cheapest room rates I've seen since starting....wow.

RB

was just thinking about this - Jay Farrar and Kelly Willis did a wonderful cover of it

Rex's Blues - by Townes Van Zandt

Ride the blue wind high and free
she'll lead you down through misery
leave you low, come time to go
alone and low as low can be

If I had a nickel I'd find a game
If I won a dollar I'd make it rain
If it rained an ocean I'd drink it dry
and lay me down dissatisfied

Legs to walk and thoughts to fly
eyes to laugh and lips to cry
a restless tongue to classify
all born to grow and grown to die

So tell my baby I said so long
tell my mother I did no wrong
tell my brother to watch his own
and tell my friends to mourn me none

I'm chained upon the face of time
feelin' full of foolish rhyme
there ain't no dark till something shines
I'm bound to leave this dark behind

Ride the blue wind high and free
she'll lead you down through misery
leave you low, come time to go
alone and low as low can be

today's addiction, BTW - is movies - (my chicken wings are in route) -

everyone here should rent the following movies -

Heartlands
Chelsea Walls
Tombstone
The Shipping News
Angela's Ashes.

RB

Ok, just so you all know...one should NEVER mix mood altering substances - about two years ago I drank Rumplemintz while on Lexapro (an antidepressant) and nearly went comotose - or at least had to have help getting to my hotel room - Weed won't kill you with alcohol, (at least not if you didn't drink too much) but it will knock the wind out of you - I can't vouch for other drugs, but I know Kurt Cobain was really paranoid about drinking and shooting up - he said that's how rock stars died - mixing two drugs..

Last night I came home after some light/moderate drinking (enough that I walked two blocks to/from - I was probably over .08, which is our new limit) - and partook of other sins, and lied back and relaxed -

I go to my room - and I suddenly had the most gawd awful feeling I was lying in a tomb - dark/way too warm - and just unpleasant - for a second there I truly thought if I fell asleep on that futon in the bedroom I wouldn't wake up.

Three years ago, I'd have said to hell with it, said a quick prayer and crashed - but despite my loathing for all humanity, I couldn't do it that night.

so I came back out to the living room and hit the recliner - suddenly my spirit felt much better - better lighting - a better seat - MY recliner - I felt at that point, if I was gonna die, at least I would die happy -

then I put on some music I bought a couple yrs ago at Target - Flute music (Native American and in general) - man, THAT was a bad idea - my brain started doing some bizarre jumps in time with the melody, so I had to kill it -

and I just sat there for awhile - my blue/red mood lights on - having read half of the Dalai Lama's "The Art of Happiness" that night - happy that I walked away from the bar instead of falling down at one or worse yet, going to another one after that one closed - (remember, I don't do moderation) -

and I suddenly got the smart idea to get up again and write what I was feeling - but decided to not do it - I went to sleep and said if I REMEMBERED the feeling in the morning, I'd write about it

Strange.....Reality has always been painful for me - for 29 years I ignored it - stayed away from booze cause of an effect it had on family members - but then I started partaking a bit - and it was good.

Once my trifecta hit (lost job, GF, and place to live in a very short time) I just sorta collapsed into the arms of mood altering substances and never fell back out - I don't go there like I used to - (no more drinking a 1/5 every night, puking, and drinking some more) - Even the early months of this journal have me going on some terrific benders and going to an AA meeting or something - LOL - but I felt so cold there -

but I don't leave it alone like I did the first 29 years either - I suppose because 90 percent of my social contact is with people in bars or Vegas Poker clubs, maybe. I have weeks I just take off - it's very easy for me to stay away from it when I'm not bored - but for some reason,

I can no longer handle the effects of Reality as I once did - it's like those emotional wounds I took back in 2002 or 2003 never healed -

I prayed/studied the Bible (my chosen faith) like it was going out of style during that time - I've got a page in an old one wrinkled with tears - (the bible can absorb a lot of them) - from one of those Psalms where the writer is crying out for deliverance -

I was trying to find something to fill all the holes - but of course, a lot of it is deferred promises in the next world - not the practical here and now - I read Disappointment with God and and Searching for the Invisible God - and they helped - I know my situation isn't anywhere near unique, but somehow it wasn't enough.

So based on the recommendation of a 2+2'er, I bought the Dalai's book last week(actually, a Dr. of Psychology wrote it but he had many interviews with the Dalai and put that in there, so it's sorta cowritten) My good "Christian" friends would be mortified - It's a GATEWAY BOOK - LOL - but actually it doesn't really tap much into Buddhism - which is good - cause I'm not converting - I like eating meat too much - LOL. And I don't operate from the assumption that people are basically good - I'm more of the "we're all scum" variety - I think the vast majority of "good Americans", had they been transplanted to Nazi Germany, would have turned the same blind eye to the concentration camps outside their towns.

but it may be a sign of desperation - can't ever remember looking to books from other religious faiths before seeking peace -

but it's interesting - it's a good read - I'd like to sit down and chat with him sometime - It would appear being a religious monk has certain calming benefits on others - LOL

RB

This is the hand that killed me last night in the WCOOP rebuy. A lot of bitching about how I slowplayed the flop on 2+2, but I believe with my position, and with his betting, I could get more money out of him had I been more cautious

although seeing him call the raise with what he did, I now believe even a push on the flop would have gotten a call.

PokerStars No-Limit Hold'em Tourney, Big Blind is t150 (9 handed) converter

BB (t6950)
UTG (t7936)
UTG+1 (t11227)
MP1 (t14250)
Hero (t7240)
MP3 (t2773)
CO (t7565)
Button (t3201)
SB (t10139)


Preflop: Hero is MP2 with As, Js.
3 folds, Hero raises to t600, 3 folds, SB calls t525, 1 fold.

Flop: (t1350) 5s, 4s, 3s (2 players)
SB bets t300, Hero calls t300.

Turn: (t1950) 8h (2 players)
SB checks, Hero checks.

River: (t1950) 6s (2 players)
SB bets t9239 (All-In), Hero calls t6340 (All-In).

Final Pot: t17529

Results in white below:

SB has 2d 2s (straight flush, six high).
Hero has As Js (flush, ace high).
Outcome: SB wins t17529.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

man, the heat index is thru the roof again - ow...

I'm making history - made the money in another tourney - a $10 MTT with 10 minute rounds (SNG speed on Pokerstars) - I'm 25th out of 63 left - 81 got paid - I just got AA and doubled up my painfully short stack.

UPDATE - busted in 51st - had 10/6 in BB and flop came 9JQ - I pushed and ran right into K10 - LOL

twice in a row...PS support must be sleeping - oh wait, I died in a 15 SNG last night - but that was my fault - I was beyond drunk when I played it...LOL

I should start posting my Addiction of the day - today's addiction - (and has been for some time) - Chicken Wings - mild barbarque like Pizza Hut's or spicy like the Chinese place - gotta have CHICKEN!!!!!!!! - CHICKEN WINGSS!!!!!!!!!! -- ARGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH

RB

Monday, August 01, 2005

hmmm....entered the 5.50 Rebuy at 4pm and was doing great - was 5th out of 140 at one point -

got down to 55, and I go all in with KK and get called by AJ - he turns the A - guess that's poker -

25 bucks for 5 hrs....barely worth it...ah well. At least I showed I can actually remember what making the money feels like again.

RB

I just got done watching Celebrity Fit Club - that show brings tears to my eyes sometimes (yes, I'm a wuss....Astroglide called me Mr. Lilith Fair the other day...) - but since I'm a bit heavy myself and trying to drop a FEW pounds, it's cool to see these guys taking off 20 pounds in 40 days, busting their ass -

they got problems too - that Lead Singer from Warrant, Jani, has a major booze problem, and he was in the hospital for a bit - he's trying to turn it around - it manifests itself as food, but they're all trying to get their shit together (as the song goes) so that rocks - inspiring...

as for myself, I tried that new Coke Zero and while it ain't the ultimate in sugar free pop, it's pretty damned tolerable - and coming from mr picky, that's a hell of a compliment -

Beat Knights of the Old Republic II - that also was cool, but now I'm out of missions, which sucks royally....

I should clean this apt. today - but maybe tomorrow - LOL - today looks like it's a good day for walking... - EDIT - ah fuck that....it's really damned hot and humid out - maybe I WILL clean today....LOL -

RB

I'm thinking I'm gonna turn up the tourney work a notch - It was my strongest game last year and this year it's just a fucking hole - so I've gotta work on it - maybe drop 100 into pokerstars and keep it in SNG's and Tourneys....

I'm watching the Surreal Life and Hogan knows best right now - so I'll deposit later - LOL

Here's a new Bill Mallonee song that's been lodging in my brain - (ok, that's the main reason for this post....LOL) -

I like that line - maybe you're just a prayer away from getting your shit together...LOL -

==========================================

Flowers

round here there's just trouble
chasing after the wind
buy that line with all the money in the bank
and never ever look in
to be so damn enlightened
oh to be so free
to be so down in the bottom of the ninth
at the top of the century

I came with dirty hands
I came with blinded eyes
tongue tied I could barely speak the truth
about my tall lies
they sold me on some pleasure
till the pleasure it sold me
into something that looked and smelled
a whole lot like slavery

we all need new beginnings
the first steps make you better
maybe you're just a prayer away
from getting your shit together

flowers growing out of the desert
flowers out of parched ground
flowers coming right up through the cracks
of the pavement in your old town
flowering's not a science
it's more like a fine art
flowers coming right up through the cracks
of our broke up little hearts

we all need new beginnings
the first steps make you better
maybe you're just a prayer away
from getting your shit together