Saturday, October 30, 2004

work has been rough the first 9 hrs....hoping the last 3 quiet down.

I'm not sure what I'm gonna do these 5 days off (I move to Thurs-Sat. shift this month) and I'll have an extra day - not looking forward to the week or the apt. or poker - but I'll figure something out.


Friday, October 29, 2004

I just came back from visiting M. where he's buried.

It's a very foggy warm fall morning - I think I found the spot - it was freshly dug with no sod laid over it yet in the location the admin desk told me - no marker yet, but pretty sure that was the spot. He's really close to one of MN's famous governor's actually - a good friend to the working man and the poor - so that's cool.

I left him two red poker chips there sunk into the muddy ground. - You're supposed to leave two pennies for the boatman so the deceased can pay the ferryman for passage across the river Styx. - Maybe my friend can take the two chips and win the damned boat from that bastard and go way further. Maybe I should have left him a couple of Aces too :)

In any's a nice place - forgot what it was like to stand out around fall trees in the early morning fog - very nice actually - he'd like it. When you spend a lot of time like me drinking in crummy bars at forget what it's like to be outside in the fall in the early morning with a clear head. I know I have lately.

pax, bro.


Thursday, October 28, 2004

I wanna talk a bit more about M, as I'll call him....cause upon reading my previous posts, I know I sounded a bit judgemental, which wasn't even close to what I wanted.

He went to Mardi Gras every year, and came back with a ton of beads and gifts for folks -

He had two daughters - and he was 53 -

He seemed like a guy who had a lot of fun when he was younger - had the pierced ears - the leather and the wild hat - he looked like a Harley rider as well. He had a twin brother who I never met -

Apparently, a couple months ago, he stumbled upon the body of his friend in an apt. and after that, it seemed he sorta slid a bit further away - amongst those of us who knew him.

He had the same demon I'm afraid I'm catching - love of alcohol - it's sorta like a woman you know you shouldn't love but do anyways even though she ruins your life - I don't think it caught up with him until the last 3-4 yrs. of his life, but I dunno - I've only been here for two years.

I can only wonder what he was doing/thinking - if he went on a binge and his death was accidental (his body was pretty wore out, I guess) or if he took his own life - in the end, it doesn't matter. I suspect he would have rather lived on given a choice, but if he did, he didn't think he had one anymore.

And he's buried a scant mile as the crow flies from me. I'm gonna swing thru there after work at 8am when it opens - leave him a poker chip or something - he'd probably like that better then flowers - I suppose the poetic thing to do would be to buy a pint of whiskey and pour it in the dirt over his grave.....

but I'm not going to do will never have to worry about that viper chasing you ever again. It will never tempt you or tear you in two directions or burn your soul or take anything else from you ever again. It will leave you alone now.

Rest in Peace, M.


Wednesday, October 27, 2004

the guy I talked about last Sat. - the one I was worried about.

I don't have to worry about him anymore - he's gone - took them a few days to find him - so they don't know if it was intentional or accidental - but odds are he was gone by the time I wrote my little note on Sat. morning.



Tuesday, October 26, 2004

dropped 50 last night at Canterbury in 3 hrs. and I just left - no reason - not afraid of losing fact, I went to Mystic and ended up dropping 100 at blackjack...

just some nights you don't feel like being in a poker room full of mucks at 2:30 - I dunno - probably burnout...think I'll buy a new shortwave radio today and see what I hear tonight.


Monday, October 25, 2004

oh fuck ow....ah holy shit....fuck, shit...ow - mother fucker and then some.

I just saw Ashlee Simpson's whoopsy daisy from SNL - (it was on two news broadcasts almost at once...) - ah holy fuck....ah holy fuck....

as a real musician ( who sings without lipsyncing and can stay in tune) - this is the most painful and embarassing thing I can see - someone dying on stage - that was fucking painful in the worst fucking way that I can't even describe... - she's been building street cred - being the rocker chick - and I know her sis. can sing - but DAMN, girl...

hope she survives it - she sorta dropped the acting career for the singing one - and that sorta put a bullet thru it right there....but maybe it can be explained away by a scratch vocal....ah fuck ah hell...

couldn't even watch the whole damned newscast - can't bear to watch it at all - how do you watch someone die of embarassment on a live broadcast....holy shit and then some. -


back from Canterbury - I've been up now on 4 of my last 5 sessions out there....can't last, right? Maybe Mon. night (free bratwurst from 8-10pm) - who knows... -

never know...Canterbury is a fishy paradise, really - hard to believe I'm still playing 3/6 and 4/8 (no it's raked game has holes...which I'm plugging..but not always) - but on the other hand, I just read this story - and ya know... I have problems with booze and I fall in love too easily - dangerous addictions I can't seem to shake - but thank god I've never gotten the gambling bug.

I've gotten better at observing players and doing things like grabbing chips if I'm scared of a bet...thinking I can slow them down. I've gotten better at spotting bluffers and calling them with middle pair - Last night, I got plastered on beers, but tonight, I didn't even care - ordered water and mountain dew and let it blow by me.

I've even done the unthinkable - took poker chips home - got $275 in two blacks and 3 greens - the start of a new bankroll - and the Whiskeytown Poker Tour has actually wiped out my 3/6 losses (up to 2 bucks profit this yr. playing 3/6 - LOL)

I'm also doing something a bit different - I'm counting wins before purchases of booze or food (well, food at least) - Let's say I win 85 bucks and cash out and go to Perkins - I'm counting that as an 85 dollar win and a 10 buck withdrawl from the bankroll when I eat - but if I eat at the club, I say I just won 75 - makes no sense....let's be real - bankroll deductions shouldn't count vs. my win rate.

but my online game is non existant - I just don't play...except in FPP satellites - pretty easy to get a seat with a big layout at 7am...LOL

in fact...I'll sign up for one now...what the heck - 17 players with 15 min. to go and 9 get seats to the round 2....can't beat that.


Saturday, October 23, 2004

I am thinking of a guy I worked with. He would have been on this shift had he not been let go before I came on. (it's not my fault...they would have let him go irregardless)

he's the only guy I ever saw who had the DT's from alcohol withdrawl and try to cover it up at work. (Guess there ARE some employees who bring the flask and run to the stall for a slug) - - I guess in the end he used too many sick days and got sick on the job one too many times. Once called in sick at 6am for a 7pm shift - and the general consensus was that he got so drunk he mistook AM from PM and called in 13 hrs early....

I wonder if I'll end up like that...dependant on something so badly I can't maintain a basic relationship with people. Right now, most of my hangups are personal - heh -Apparently this guy used to be one hell of a party animal - strippers he'd date - meet women and get laid in the bathroom - now he's about two steps shy of probably dying of a stroke/seizure/poisoning.

I hope he's doing ok.... - M, my man, I hope you're ok.


Friday, October 22, 2004

funny how my longest posts are always when I'm working...I SO have to get out of here in 8 hrs...LOL

I'm sorta excited in a way I haven't been since the last time a girl named Christina called me at 2am for a drunk booty call - LOL - but's not as good as the drunk booty call.

I've just been going over in my head my hrs. and responsibilities, and the more I think about it, the more I think it would be STUPID to go and take a week off and spend 10 days in Vegas and take a vacation.

It would be Cceaper and easier to merely fly in Sat morn and fly out Wed. evening - and do it often, like say one week a month. :) - with MY schedule, it makes the most sense in the world, esp. once that light rail goes to the airport…it would be SO easy to catch a bus outside the apt - down on light rail to the airport….. -

If a hotel room in Vegas is $100 a night, then what is the point in doing that when I could just fly? Hmmm?

I'm getting excited all of the sudden again….something to do in winter - looks like a lot of Sun Country flights are what….$102 or something each way? - Get out of here at 9am and sleep on the flight…spend 4 days there…I really wanna see the fountains at the Bellagio. - and stand in the sun in the desert - I haven't seen the desert in years.


I'm trying a little something different as I attempt to wipe out the last $1100 in red ink I've accrued this yr. playing poker.

In the past, I've taken my wins home in chips - and kept my head going "you need to build a bankroll so you can move up" - not anymore.

Now I cash out and I say to myself "This cash is YOURS" - I can blow it on DVD's, candles, brakes, whores and blow..whatever :D....but it isn't the bankroll's anymore.

Now I don't find myself HAVING to play till my 100 is all gone or till I'm up to 300 - an hr. of dead cards and it's easier for me to still walk away with 80 - cause it's mine.

My only exception is I'll sometimes take home $200 in Canterbury 10 buck chips. They're chipco chips and I love em to play with when playing a tourney online ;) - may even buy into the suited collection quickly b4 Mon on 2+2 - not sure - BUT I think this little mental shift will give me that edge I need - I've been playing a lot better since I haven't needed the some of my play issues are psychological - now I need to erase a few more of them...


Thursday, October 21, 2004

well, it's Thursday, 3am....time for the official Whiskeytown update regarding bullshit/dirt/grief/poker/women/politics/and general all around fuck it cause I’m bored update.

Felicia has been taking grief from the Game Show Network for her coverage of WPPA events – threatening to sue her, etc, etc…the stuff is up at – I don’t see how any television network can prohibit people from informing others of public sporting events. A private tourney with a NDA – MAYBE – but she didn’t even sign one because she just covered it, I guess. And the whole vibe of the whole thing in general makes me angry, cause she believed in it and basically had me sorta believing in it too… - ah well.

And for that matter, who ever heard of telling a journalist how to cover a story? – Like Andy Glazer said….yer not a journalist then…you’re a flack for the guys and you write the press releases – so I’ll read the rest of her stuff with interest – It’s interesting cause she put the best shine on the events she covered, and then starts pointing out the downside after the fact – I guess at that point, I’d have just quit by the 2nd event and told everyone to go to the Belle.

Last week was not as good as it should have been – major fucking downswing emotionally.. – a couple drunken nights – one hangover, and about a dozen deleted/rewritten posts to here and various bulletin boards before I let one stand and passed out – I’m seeing my money in my checking account so I’m happier, but I’ll be happier when I have something I want to spend it on.

On the other hand, decent upswing on the WTPT - The Whiskeytown Poker Tour has erased it’s losses by about 180 dollars in the 3/6 column and $20 in the Limit Tourney games. . – after dropping $100 on live games Sun, I came up $100 on Mon and $160 on Tues. – some good jackpot deals going on right now at Canterbury, so I’ll probably go out there for them on Sun/Mon nights for awhile. – If for no other reason then free bratwurst on Mon. Night – I think I’ll play 3/6 for a few more days – see if I can get under a grand before MAYBE going down to 2/4 or going back online. I just don’t want to play online right now – I can’t sit in that apt. 16 hrs. a day without going fucking psycho.

Played the $50 limit tourney perfectly into the money then got all in on the turn with KK vs QQ – river is a Q and I’m left with only $20 of a possible $1700 I could have won (and the guy who trounced me won it) –

I have not heard from one friend (Adam) in 3 weeks – guess that aid worker sex is better then hanging with friends….and then I heard from two (former girl I dated and former friend who was around during the drinking binges) today – still nothing yet from the naughty librarian turned trust fund baby I’m hoping to meet, but I know she’s out there somewhere…:D

Incredible article in the NYT by Ron Suskind about what happens when a president who governs by faith is put in charge of the US – he makes a point I could have made in Bible School 10 years ago – people who govern by faith pass their decisions to those under them by faith, and expect the same blind obedience they gave God. –

I could go on a whole essay on God….books have been written on the problems of doubt and faith that is lost when trials are nasty. Suffice it to say….I am not nor will I ever be the guy I was 3 yrs. ago. – That’s sorta sad, really –

Strange to see a point in one’s life where everything irreversibly changed and never goes back – kinda bugs me…


Tuesday, October 19, 2004

been some bad days....dark ones...the kind where you want to pop a cap in your ass....

funny thing is, my poker game is fine - took down almost $260 in two days at Canterbury and placed in another limit tourney tonight - (busted when KK lost to a QQ chump play on the river, but still in the money with the best hand at the best time) -

but I'm just least it's not cause I'm losing money playing cards.


Monday, October 18, 2004

thanks to Steve Earle for this song....he understands what it's like....

It doesn't get any lonelier than this
I believe my heart'll break
Tonight I prayed I'd die before I wake
With every breath I'm tastin' your kiss
And it's sweet upon my tongue
Until the bitter tears fall one by one

It doesn't get any lonelier than this
'Cause I'm on this road alone
My heartbeat ringin' like a hollow drum
I'm about as lonesome as a poor boy gets
And there's nothin' I can do
'Cause it's dark out here and I can't find you
It doesn't get any lonelier than this

It doesn't get any lonelier than this
I'm as blue as blue can be
Just an empty place where your love should be
I'm sick and tired of walkin' around like this
With my heart outside my skin
Scared to death we'll never touch again
It doesn't get any lonelier than this
And there's no place I can go
Just the dusty corners that the shadows know
Maybe this is as good as it's gonna get
And I'll always be this way
I'll just wander this world callin' out your name
It doesn't get any lonelier than this

Saturday, October 16, 2004

it's 5am and I feel like a poker story post - I haven't told this on here before...

in late 2001 - I played the first Poker tourney at Canterbury's inagural Fall Classic - a $100 Limit tourney that had real limits and blinds for once - and rounds - had to pace myself for 2 hr. piss breaks instead of one hr. - LOL. Since Limit was all I had played, and since I did it well, I was excited to get into it.

Along the way, I notice a slightly familiar guy - don't know/recognize him, but I've seen him before in Cardplayer I think. Well, we get down to 4 or 5 tables (only one or 2 are paying) and I get moved to his left - (dealer between us) -

he introduces himself when I ask - He's Mike Sexton - you know...the fucking Mike Sexton of the world famous world fucking poker tour? - except then he was just a pro who ran the TOC and wasn't the face of televised poker that we know now. - Nowadays he'd get mobbed, but 3 yrs. ago, he was just the guy on my right. (he later wrote about his travels at

Anyways, we get to the point where we each have 4-5 times the BB left - I'm BB with pocket 9's and he raises me heads up from the SB - I decide to call and muck if an A hits the flop - though now I'd have reraised and tried to get it all in - (being new, I was used to Canterbury limit, which meant they always raised with an A) -

flop comes QTx - he bets...I call

turn J - I now have an open ended, so I raise his bet and we get all in -

He has AK and I am deader then a doornail - we shake hands, and both agree it couldn't have gone down any differently -

now I tell everyone that I got busted out of my first major tourney by the pro who arguably has the most face time of any poker player around. (Let's face it, a lot more people know who Mike S. is then gus hansen) -

so that's my poker story for today.


well, let's see - been 6 days....that's like an eternity - what's happening -

my first paycheck almost didn't get to me today, but it did barely thru a friend checking the undelivered mail bin at work - whew....they took almost 40% though in taxes combines (state/federal) - why can't we screw the rich and the corporations the way we do the middle class. - One of my former coworkers (dayshift) is so pissed at me I feel holes burning in my chest every time she sees me - she's one of those people who applied for the job I got, and the fact I got it is a personal insult to her (anything that doesn't go her way isn't anything but personal....) - but as long as it doesn't interfere with my job, fuck it - I don't need to make friends on the job.

I'm feeling very, very bored this week - so bored there's a good chance I'll go to Canterbury, get drunk, and play cards or Blackjack at Mystic and drop $500 for the sheer hell of it - (bad sign when I can do that and not care cause the paychecks are bigger) - I'm always fighing getting drunk when boredom sets in - very painful to sit around on Sat. night and not do what everyone else is doing. - - maybe I'll just drink at home....I dunno - I don't want to face the next 4 days wide awake with eyes open.

truth is, I don't feel like playing poker right now unless it's live - I've been isolated from the human race for too long - I've been hiding out recuperating from shit, and recuperating is over - time to go out again and face the motherfuckers who drove me away at places I loved like the Half Time Rec. Sitting in that fucking room clicking on buttons is killing me - besides Canterbury is loose enough to make money at.

I also so need to get hooked up with an angel and get out more - even a blonde haired sorority girl would be a nice change right now - :) - my friend Adam went to go see some girl in Vietnam a few months ago, and she's in town now and I haven't heard from him at all...that bastard's getting all the action I'm sure - LOL

after work, I'll get on the bus, go home - limp the truck over to Firestone and get the brakes looked at, and meanwhile go deposit my check at my bank so I can pay for said brakes - LOL....

then maybe DVD's and whiskey - I dunno - not eager to spend the next 4 days on the nightshift either - I want to stay up and sleep tonight and be on days for the next few - so sick of being up at 4am knowing I've got 6 more hrs. till bed -

If I do this right, it could be a good week.


Thursday, October 14, 2004

no real updates - no serious poker playing -

nothing really going on at all - not that I feel excited about - will check back with ya in a couple -


Monday, October 11, 2004

I'm playing another 600 FPP game for the EPT Monte Carlo satellite - when only 54 are in it and 9 seats are available, it's a better bargain at 6am.

My god....these nights - staying on the same schedule as the night shift....I've been so fucking bored - every game site, every porn site, every news site - every movie I can rent - drinking and then sobering up cause I was only up 3 hrs when I started drinking at 10pm...

sweet jesus, mary and joseph....can a man die of boredom? - I know from personal experience heartbreak and loneliness really doesn't do it....maybe boredom is the key...



Sunday, October 10, 2004


This is just a way of setting goals for myself for the yr....if I don't do it like this, or make a game out of it, I'll never do it -

it's a long post - better to redirect you to 2+2 - go here...

good fun stuff....wiping out the red ink.

I wonder how many of the $60K in 60 days players are really ahead....probably most of who I see on 2+2 is lying, though I'm sure some really are doing well...

I want this to be a profitable poker yr...I want to beat this.


I am feeling a tremendous amount of unneeded and unnecessary fear at this point - a terrible gut feeling - like I'm going to lose something precious (I have so little left I value, it takes a lot of work to find something that matters to me still) - I'm feeling like I'm going to lose my band shortly for various reasons, and that leaves me in a state of terrible sadness - it's my last connection with people that doesn't involve poker.

I think losing my car has ringed in my head as lost freedom. and of course, whenever I lose something, my first response is to drink it away :( - all I have to do is wait 7 days, get the fat paychecks, and if I have to, grab a tow truck, tow the damn thing in, and blammo - truck fixed - but I don't feel it like that....dang it - it feels like I lost my freedom - I don't like that.

I just wanna get thru this day - go home, sleep, and relax for 3 days - I cashed out my EPT seat for 6000 FPP - I can try for it again this week and if I get it again, play it after I've had a day's rest and not 4 hrs. -

car troubles suck...


Saturday, October 09, 2004

brakes died on the truck.....loud grinding noise and stop/go action.

and I'm at least 6 days from anything resembling a paycheck, so it's walking and bus time for me. (no big deal, I live so close to a busline I can go anywhere I want easily) -

pain in the butt though...


Friday, October 08, 2004

interesting -

Bob Dylan refers to where he grew up (Hibbing, MN) as the North Country. (according to his first vol. biography) - that would make "Girl of the North Country" about a girl from Northern MN.

Considering I get lovesick for a girl from northern WI everytime I hear that song, there's an interesting bit of overlap there....

gawd, I'm hating the night shift tonight...esp. with a slight hangover (gotta knock that shit off) -


Wednesday, October 06, 2004

I'm playing my OIC game along with a cheapo 10 buck limit tourney...

I forgot how badly the NL craze has leaked into poker....some of the most aggressive limit play I've ever seen in this tourney. But I'm holding my own.

My biggest weakness in the poker world right now is post flop play. I've got to beat that - I've got to work on that....I want to be a well rounded poker player - not the NL all in trick pony.

so it's like I'm starting over on learning how to play poker....LOL


Mist Covered Mountains...Traditional (my fav. version - Bill Jones)

There shall I see the place of my birth.
And they'll give me a welcome, the warmest on earth.
So loving and kind, full of music and mirth,
In he sweet sounding language of home.

O, roe, soon shall I see them,
O, roe, see them, oh see them.
O, roe, soon shall I see them,
The mist covered mountains of home

there I'll converse with my warm hearted mother
and play a few tunes with my white headed father
Light is my heart as I turn my steps nearer
The Mist covered mountains of home

O, roe, soon shall I see them,
O, roe, see them, oh see them.
O, roe, soon shall I see them,
The mist covered mountains of home

There shall I gaze on the mountains again.
and the fields, and the woods, and the birds in the glen.
With people of courage beyond human ken
In the warmths of the day I shall roam.

O, roe, soon shall I see them,
O, roe, see them, oh see them.
O, roe, soon shall I see them,
The mist covered mountains of home

Hail to the mountains with summits of blue
and the glens with their meadows of sunlight and dew.
To the women and the men ever faithful and true,
Ever ready to welcome you home

O, roe, soon shall I see them,
O, roe, see them, oh see them.
O, roe, soon shall I see them,
The mist covered mountains of home

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

I'm doing the Open Internet Challenge again... I think I've talked about this before, but let's cover it again.

Some of you have no idea what this is - a while back, Mike Haven got the idea on 2+2 for a way for a player to take a small sum of money and move up to the higher limits and get experience there without a horse's bankroll - the idea is you start with 40 bucks and play .50/$1 Holdem

You work your way up, moving up at each limit - goes like this.

Start at $40 in the .50/1 games.
$80 - up to 1/2
$160 - go to 2/4
$240 - go to 3/6
$400 - go to 5/10
$800 - go to 10/20
$1200 - go to 15/30
$1600 - go to 20/40

at $2000 - you cash out and run like hell and tell everyone you sucked out on to suck your dick cause you're taking their money and not giving it back - It's not meant to put you in the 20/40 game permanently :).

For me, the toughest most mind grinding parts is the .50/$1 games. - takes 40 BB to get to the next level and that level is a little better cause the play is better - In fact, I've tried it twice on Party and couldn't pull it off and gave up. I have done it twice on Pokerstars - it actually gets easier up to 5/10 - then it gets a little tricky.

It's the sort of thing you do when you're waiting for your first paycheck.


Monday, October 04, 2004


just won a 600 FPP satellite for a 6000 FPP for the European Poker Tour in Monte Carlo - Next Sun, I'll face off with about 180 people for the chance to win one of two seats.

I'm gonna have to read up on how to play a winner take all tourney.


Sunday, October 03, 2004

I recently created a poll for Paul Phillips on 2+2 and loaded it with a push-polling question like the ones Republicans use (a la John Mccain) - no one on the WPT forum has a fucking sense of humor man...

BUT, since we've been focusing so much lately on the depression side of things, I thought we could focus a bit today on the politics -

Why I will not vote for GWB in the upcoming election.

Let me preface this by saying - I have voted Rep. in every presidential election since 1992 - virtually across the board in candidates as well. - My main motivation for this was that since I was a member of the Religious Right, I should vote the way the RR does - primarily on the basis of abortion. I am also pro-life - but that expands to not wanting to legalize the death penalty. I DO believe if someone wants to end their own life that they should have the means to do so...I just don't want a govt. sanction on it, and I have grave concerns about the abuse of such a sanction with the elderly should it exist.

I have had to think real hard this year, and I had to do
research…. many many books read this year – determining if I was on
the right side – I have been forced to conclude I was wrong –

I sided with a party that would destroy the environment of this
planet to put money into the pocket of the corporations who fund it –
I sided with the party that took 80000 votes off the African American
rolls in Florida prior to the 2000 election under the guise
of "purging felons" when nearly 60 % of that database had conviction
records in 2007, etc, etc (Read Greg Palast's book – the best
democracy money can buy… investigative journalism at it's finest for
the whole dirt on that)

I have sided with a party that believes to do God's will is to force
others to do what they're doing – I saw Jesus make many admonishments in the bible about behavior, but they were to Christians, and they never NEVER said to force others to obey the laws of God –

I made a choice to vote against a government welfare state and
instead voted for a kleptocrat state – a government characterized by
the practice of transferring money and power from the many to the few and a ruling class of moneyed elites that usurps liberty, justice, sovereignty, and other democratic rights from the people. (stole this from Jim Hightower - thanks Jim...)

I made a choice to vote for a party that profits from war, and will
do what is necessary to start one – Afghanistan wasn't profitable
enough so Iraq was next –

And I voted for a party that claims to cherish the unborn while at
the same time rolled back regulations that would force companies to
reduce the mercury contamination of our water that can cause defects
to said unborn children. – I have to weigh the lives of 1 million
aborted per yr. verses the lives of the several million who are born
into a contaminated society. I also have to accept the fact that if
this Republican party was serious about reducing abortions, it
wouldn't deny basic education about sexual reproduction to young
people, minorities, and people to prevent conception from occurring.

And to those who say we are better off in a world without Saddam, I
say we safer in a world with Saddam then we were in a world with
reinvigorated and re-inspired guys like Al Queda.

And history, the oldest teacher in the book, has shown that giving the free market free rein results in tremendous abuses by the free market at the expense of Americans - rampant drug pricing - enviromental abuse - poor treatment of workers - the export of profit and jobs overseas to avoid US taxes while still taking advantage of the location....

and quite frankly, certain people in the Bush Admin. (and I won't name names...don't want my door being beat in by the Ashcroft Brownshirts - yes, I'm that paranoid) are the dirtiest lying motherfuckers in the planet who would resort to the worst lies and slander in the world to get elected.

This doesn't mean the Rep. ideals are that bad - limited govt. is good - but so is basic health care - a public trust set up for water and air and not privitized to a corporation...public financing for campaigns to get dirty money out of politics once and for all... - and I want to vote for someone I believe in - if John McCain or Howard Dean could be on the ticket, it'd be all over - 3 points, nothing but net.

but they're not - so this year, I will choose the lesser of two evils - (ah Kerry ain't that bad, i guess....but he's no Mccain or Howard Dean)

and more then anything else, I will vote against that liar in the White house today.


the latest rumors from several new sources (and some reliable) are that Andrew "The Pundit" Glazer's wasn't an accident but self inflicted...

I wrote this recently on 2+2 - I'll put it here...because I've been there..



I'm not entirely sure anyone here but the clinically depressed and suicial can really understand what goes thru that mind at that time.

I'll admit it...I've been there (run a search on for whiskeytown as the author and you'll find a lot of RGP posts...but also some in the depression and suicide forums)

the best way to put it is this...I once fell asleep in trig. class in high school...and the professor said circles have no corners...but in my sleep induced stupor, it made total and rational sense to me that circles DO have corners and fit in a box just fine.

To someone in this spot, one can say no one who loves his family/friends would ever do such a thing...but the brain is doing the same thing.

When I seriously, SERIOUSLY thought about the same thing, I truly felt my friends/family would be better off without me sucking up their time/life. (a concept my close friend Scott reinforced a few times when he bitched me out for crying in my rented I gave a flying [censored] to the fact if anyone could hear me or not.)

this is not justification...and I'm here now and won't be doing it myself, but unless you've been in that spot, just be sorry...don't throw stones - because it's the darkest [censored] spot in the world to be in...

I once remember a song lyric that went "too much living is no way to die" - but too much dying is no way to live either...

either way...I hope Andy is ok and happy.....I hope his soul found something life and love here could not....some days, I'll probably envy his resolve...cause I couldn't find it and I'm still miserable sometimes.


Friday, October 01, 2004

working the overnights, you get a lot more quiet time....a lot more reflection...

a lot of alone time to dwell on the past, present, and future and think about what your decisions were, what you want to do, and what you would have done differently...all thru the haze of a daysleeper waiting for the sun to rise and praying it's a cool day so the apt. doesn't cook you at 11am.

in short....a whole lotta shit I don't need that I do too much of already :) -

Felicia Lee is covering the WPPA events - short on juice, long on action - I feel stupid even putting a link to her blog since she was the first blog to link to mine but go here - - she's been having a good run at Stud lately - seems to be her most dangerous game.

I'm sorta resigned to ending this year at a loss...I've not been able to shift from -500 to -1200 dollars down for the yr. - I've been in a consistant 3-4 figure loss rate for the yr...mostly from ring games, but also from SNG's, and weaker play in my PL/L tourneys. - Maybe next year will be better - I know what the holes I need to clog them. - saw an analysis recently that showed that perfect preflop play without strong aggression post flop wasn't enough to be a +EV player on loose sites like pokerstars....will have to look into that a bit more.

work is light but stressful (being the new level 2/3 engineer) - I've been getting a lot of minor chest pain at work lately too (at age 32) - what that means is that basically, I'm under too much stress, and in some folks (including me) it becomes a tension headache, but it can also cause minor stress pain - not heart attack crushing crap, but enough to scare the hypochrondiac - nothing dangerous, really, though.

I should be more concerned....I just can't make myself right now....maybe after health benefits and the nice house and trophy wives and millions in poker winnings -

I should be concerned about a lot of stuff right now....but I may be becoming desensitized - if they elect GWB for a 2nd term, I'm likely to just say fuck it and lube up for the republican ass grinding I will be receiving instead of cleaning my gun and locking my chasity belt. -

but maybe not...kerry did ok tonight, I heard.